A question as old as femdom itself. Strong women have existed in real life and fantasy for longer than we could ever imagine and stories of their legendary presence have been penned before humans invented paper. Yet the question still floods every BDSM community that exists today.

It's not an easy question to answer, but not because of the reasons people tend to think. Usually, the answer is framed as a game of numbers and complaints about the dreaded "ratio" are grumbled from the mouths of every submissive. But interestingly enough, sanctuaries that promise a refuge for female tops/dommes are filled with intelligent, powerful Goddesses that are more than happy to discuss their experiences with their kink journey. So why the misunderstanding?

For starters, the question is framed poorly. There is no weekly dominant woman whiskey bar meeting where they gather and wait for subs to approach. There is no magic dating app that is hiding all the dommes. This question is similar to asking "where do I find a woman with blonde hair?" or "where can I find a woman who is tall?" and the answer is simply: everywhere. It's not a particularly useful answer.

I think the question that these subs are trying to ask is: "why is it so difficult to find someone to fulfill my fantasies?" And the answer to that question is very dependent on the sub themselves.

How do I find a Domme?

Occasionally, my friends and I encounter a personal that impresses us. It's a well-adjusted individual who is capable of taking care of themselves, talks about their hobbies and interests, and is hoping to make a connection. We empathize with these subs and we feel confident that they will find their match one day. Dating is pretty terrible all around and femdom dating is not better. But armed with a likable personality and good communication skills, we believe they will find happiness.

However, the majority of subs post a long list of kinks that has clearly been jotted sloppily with one hand and authored by one struggling brain cell that can barely focus on the keyboard through their horny tunnel vision. Us dommes see this garbage from a mile away and immediately conclude: "Yup, it's another idiot looking for free sex work. They should hire a pro." We have all experienced this type of sub before and we know they'll appear to beg when they're horny and disappear when they're not. They want to take, take, take, but never give. It's not worth the time.

Sure, lots of dominants are also tops. But keep in mind: topping and domming require large amounts of emotional labor. In order to initiate, we must study and observe. In order to create the feeling of safety, we must research the topics we are looking to experiment with. When a sub dumps a long list of kinks they want fulfilled with no other details about themselves, dommes see a person who wants to be given years of experience while putting nothing on the table. When a sub says they want someone to take control, but can't explain their limits or boundaries, they show poor communications skills and are actually giving more work to their domme. (Or worse, opening the door to abusive dommes/tops).

So how can a sub find a domme they connect with and build a relationship? The exact answer will vary from domme to domme, but I think demonstrating that you will put in the work to make the relationship 50:50 is important. Explain that you desire the opportunity to serve her and show off a photo of your spotless kitchen counter. Take a photoshoot of yourself in a fitted outfit and prepare a fancy breakfast. Bring a massage gun and good quality lotions/oils to any massage or footplay session. Frame your sexy photos with good lighting and posing. Go out to your local kink scene and build a rapport with other people - kinksters talk, after all.

Now you're getting it. Just as topping requires the top to study the body and understand the signs of a sub that's at their limit while simultaneously trusting that their sub will communicate their needs, bottoming requires effort or training. Often both. There's a big push from the submissive community that training is required from the domme and that's not entirely false: after all, how would someone know what their domme wants if she doesn't tell them? However, there is a baseline that dommes expect when a sub enters their life. If we're searching for a domestic servant, we want to know you don't live with dishes piled all over your counter. Because if you can't keep your own place clean, why would your domme expect that you'll do a good job cleaning their home? If we're searching for a impact or rope bottom, we want to be informed of all the physical injuries you currently have that will need to be accommodated. Hiding this information to make yourself seem like a better pick for a domme isn't safe: if you're seriously injured during a scene because of lasting effects from a previous injury and you chose not to inform your domme, you can ruin the scene for her. You could even ruin topping for her. Not to mention it isn't safe for you.

Even if you're completely new to the kink scene, dommes will expect that you can communicate clearly, be capable of using safewords, and understand your own limits and boundaries. There's a disturbing number of personals written by subs who claim they have no limits at all. Really? None?

When subs says they have no limits, they're going to open their doors to a world of abuse.

Everyone has limits. Even the most open-minded sub or domme will have acts that don't make them feel empowered or sexy. (And yes, subs are also craving power, but shown in a different light. I won't cover that in this article though.)

On the topic of feeling sexy, a lot of subs will benefit from putting more effort into their appearance. No, you don't need to go to the salon constantly or have a personal stylist (unless you want to!), but it's disappointing to arrive at a play party to discover that every single femsub has gotten dressed in lingerie and matching heels, but most malesubs are wearing a towel or bathrobe. This feels extremely foolish to write, but dommes actually do have functioning eyeballs for the most part and will be a lot warmer when they're approached by a sub who wore a sexy outfit and cleaned themselves up for the event. A sexy outfit doesn't have to include lingerie (again, unless that makes you feel sexy!). Rope harnesses are sexy. Leather is sexy. Tight shorts and high socks can be sexy. My sub doesn't care much for lace, but we often buy shorts at a local queer clothing shop that specializes in slutwear for gay men. Participating in the kink community is a celebration of self-discovery, so take some time to invest in yourself and find the clothes that make you feel like your true self. If wearing revealing clothes doesn't feel comfortable for you, then imagine you're going to the office and put on a nice button down shirt, ironed pants, and polished shoes that match your belt.

I could go on about this topic, but I hope I've covered all the basics here to assist you on your journey to find a play partner or life partner. If it's any consolation, most dommes struggle through dating just like submissives do. The more you understand about your own needs, the smaller your dating pool becomes. This is a good thing! You only have one chance to live a fulfilled life, so the more effectively you can vet others, the more time you'll save on your search to find a good match. If you want to learn more, I've written an article about vetting here and if you want to experience meeting a domme in a safe environment, why not check out my game here?

Good luck with your search! With a bit of self-reflection and research, I'm sure you'll be able to find the domme of your dreams. Demonstrate that you can become her greatest treasure and she will proudly claim you as her property.