what is femdom

She's beautiful. Strong. Tall. Always happy to comfort you. She'll make you feel loved.

She's the answer to everything you're missing in your life! Right?

Not so fast.

You're talking about a person, remember? A real, living woman with needs and dreams of her own. She existed before meeting you and experienced life without you, so she isn't going to be an empty slate of loving dominance. So why do we even think this fantasy dominatrix exists?

An unfortunate consequence of our capitalistic society is the need to create opportunities in order to continue living in thriving cities that accept our true selves.

You're correct that many dommes are strict or bossy during play. If I start a scene, I want to trigger a certain emotion and I've planned out how I want to do it. I'd say my friends are similar, but we're all sadistic, and even if we were all very different dommes, we could not speak for every domme in the world. There is an element of control and an assertive nature that is required when dominating someone, but that's very different from expecting a woman who is always the boss.

I find subs that chase bossy dommes want to be "told want to do", but this isn't a guaranteed fit. If I had to continuously train my sub to do the same task over and over, I would find it very frustrating. This is the same reason subs that are looking to be a slave can be a turn-off to some dommes: think about how much work it would be to write out instructions for every single action another human being makes every day! There are very strict dommes that enjoy this, but many do not.

Finally, remember that your domme is human. She's going to have low energy days where she doesn't want to make decisions and it's important that you can bridge that gap during those moments. Remember: a D/s relationship is two people playing roles they enjoy. You're not actually a slave, baby, little, servant, pet, etc. You're her equal and you need to actively put work into the relationship, just like she does.

Some people are always assertive and confident. Some people are dommes. There is some overlap, but this Venn diagram is definitely not a perfectly overlapping circle.

I think this misconception is rooted in a deep need to be loved, but not a burden. If your domme is confidently initiating all contact, then the sub knows they are wanted and they never need to risk bothering their domme. I understand that this is a well-intentioned feeling.

However, dommes also feel this way. In fact, many women are often socialized to make themselves smaller and often do a lot of self-reflection and work to un-learn this behavior. Making the assumption that all dommes must do this work or need to have a natural confidence is really unfair to her.

Additionally, there's one huge risk to initiating interactions: rejection. We've all handled rejection, but it doesn't feel good. And every sub, no matter how much they claim they are down for literally anything at any time, has needed to say "No" to their domme.

When subs say they want a domme that is assertive and confident, dommes hear: "I want a domme that takes away the risk and pain of rejection from me, while also performing all the emotional labour so I can feel safe at the cost of her energy!"

And I'm not saying there aren't dommes who are willing to do this. I'm naturally assertive and extroverted, so I love doing this for my sub. But this isn't a fair expectation to push onto another person.

Okay, this is a big one. And it's a tough topic, because scammers are not good for the femdom community and the number of irresponsible "findommes" who are clearly thinking they can make a quick buck from being attractive has taken over femdom to such an extreme degree that it's very difficult to find any actual femdom content unless you're very careful about what you search online.

However, professional dominants are real dommes and findom is a valid fetish for many prodommes. Here in Toronto, we're lucky enough to be home to a prodomme dungeon and several of the dommes that work there can be seen doing demonstrations at educational kink events to show their legitimacy in the trade. If you're looking for an online prodomme, they'll likely have a website with media that can prove their legitimacy as well.

Every prodomme who is experienced and legitimate will be able to verify who they are.

In fact, they often ask for your verification as well. It's a legitimate business, so they operate as one. And yes, they'll have the prices of professional sex workers: you can easily expect to spend $400+ per hour to experience a session with a professional domme.

If you're thinking "Wow, that's expensive!", remember that you're paying for a safe, enjoyable experience from a reputable business. A business that simply doesn't care for the happiness or safety of their cilents would not survive. A business can be sued, have formal complaints filed against them, and be investigated for fraud, sexual assault, and other crimes. A legitimate, well-known dungeon will be a much safer experience for a learning sub than texting a mysterious faceless entity online who claims they can make your dreams come true for a mere $25 per message.

There are no beauty standards or physical guidelines to being a domme. There are dommes of all races, heights, and body types. There's femdommes and themdommes, Goddesses and Mommies, and the one trait they all share is being dominant. And dominance is different for each person.

Now, it's not that your tall, beautiful, voluptuous domme doesn't exist, but you'll probably need to pay her for her time. There's plenty of pretty women in daily life, yes, but that stunning model on social media is probably spending a lot of money to become that attractive. Many ordinary women work in industries that don't require them to wear a full face of makeup or touch up their Botox routine to stay youthful, so your future dominant wife is not likely to look like a model.

I encourage any subs who are seeking a domme to remember that building a human connection is the key to finding the domme of your dreams. I'm not saying you can't chase the prettiest, youngest woman at the play party, but you should prepare yourself for lots and lots of rejection. Women who are beautiful will know it and they have lots of choice. That choice probably won't be you.

If there's one thing I want you, my lovely reader, to take from this article, I want you to remember that dommes are everyday women that exist all around you. Don't just rush up to the tallest women you see at the next play party. You might be pleasantly surprised at who holds the leash in the bedroom.

Now, I do want to preface this section by saying that your feelings surrounding the circumstances of your life are valid. Your need to escape by any means possible is another valid feeling. Finally, the feeling that you're stuck in an endless void that you could never escape unless Mommy scoops you out and saves you is completely valid.

However, this isn't a movie. This isn't a spicy fiction piece. Chances are, you're going to need to save yourself. Let me explain in more detail.

I've been seeing more and more posts online from eager, desperate subs who can't stand the idea of building their own career and livelihood and wish that a beautiful sugar Momma would let them be a live-in baby that saves them from the torture of becoming a fully formed adult.

Allow me to be the horrible entity that bursts your bubble: Sugar Mommies are extremely rare. And even if you do find someone who wants to pay for someone else's existence, they probably aren't going to do all your laundry, cook all your meals, and praise your existence while you play video games all day. I mean, think about it realistically: what exactly are you contributing to that relationship?

To break it down even further, imagine how much work one person would need to do to support multiple people by herself. Did you consider that your perfect Mommy would be rushing around in upper management? Perhaps she spends her day crushed under numbers as a controller or struggling through meetings with clients as a consultant. Maybe she pushes her way through a skilled trade and spends her day operating heavy machinery and shouting at sexist men. Hell, she could have been professionally weaving her way through sexist men in any of the above positions.

Does it make any sense at all that she'd have the energy to care for you at the end of the day?

It's convenient to imagine a magical woman who is CEO in the boardroom and relaxes by coddling her sub. But even the most caring dommes will acknowledge that topping requires energy. If her job pays enough to support multiple people, she won't want to go home to more work.

However, finding a career-oriented Goddess is possible. Difficult, but definitely possible.

Instead of imagining a fantasy where a Mommy is babysitting you, accept that a relationship will involve both give and take. What can you offer to your glorious Goddess? If you want to be a traditional househusband, you can take cooking lessons, practice cleaning a room until it's spotless, and learn to hunt down good deals at a grocery store. If you want to be spoiled as a trophy husband, start going to the gym on a regular basis, improve your fashion sense, and find a barber that will keep your hair flawless.

To summarize, there's no shame in avoiding the corporate ladder, but if you want to become someone valuable to a domme that takes care of you, you'll need to be able to support her emotionally like she supports you financially.

I hope this article assists in you in your search for the perfect partner! If you want more tips on how to properly vet a femdomme, please check out my article on vetting here.

If you want to experience meeting your lovely domme-next-door in a cozy visual novel, please check out my game Serenity In Surrender!

Experienced dommes want their slice of the pie and often create venues where they can charge for their time. As such, dominance becomes a service that is paid for by eager subs. I'm primarily referring to prodommes or other kink education businesses that offer legitimate services that aim to help people in the journey of self-discovery.

Now, there's no issue with someone charging for their time. Goods and services cost money and in return for their money, a paying sub receives an experience that can help them learn about what they really want out of a relationship in a safe environment.

Businesses cater to their cilents. Everyday women who happen to be dominant (otherwise known as lifestyle dommes) will not do this. The problem arises when new submissives force expectations that have been ingrained in them from professional services or porn onto their girlfriends.